In my journalism class today, we watched a video news story that follows the life of a Kentucky mother as she struggles through drug court. The woman is a mother of five who battles a pill addiction, and eventually loses her children and is sent to jail. While my classmates viewed her story in disbelief – asking themselves how such a story could possibly be true – all I could think about was how perfectly her story mirrored my own family’s story.

My entire class saw my secret…without even knowing it. 

She got a new job working at IHOP and Olive Garden, and she seems to be doing well. We were tip-toeing through conversation topics – just asking the basic “how’s work/life/school?” questions, and then I asked her if she understood why I haven’t called her in so long. She apologized and I forgave her because that’s what I do, but I’m definitely taking baby steps with our relationship this time around.

Here’s what I learned: It’s not bad to have hope in people – it’s bad when you hope for too much. I didn’t have realistic expectations when I went to Texas to visit everyone and I ended up getting hurt…lesson learned

When my parent’s divorce was finalized, my mother changed my last name (and my sibling’s) to her maiden name, Geer.  This paperwork outlines my name change and it is also declares my biological father’s termination of parental rights.

For cases where a TPA occurs, it’s mandatory that the children be assigned a Guardian Ad Litem. Now that I’m a CASA and I understand how lengthy of a process it can be to get a child’s parental rights terminated (since it’s irrevocable), I’ve decided to get in touch with my old guardian and to see if he could clarify some details about my parent’s divorce.

Since I was much younger when this all happened (around 2-3 grade), my memories of everything are a little fuzzy. These are a few things that happened to me that I vividly remember.

• I remember reviewing my spelling words with him, and I couldn’t figure out how to spell “children.” I kept misspelling it and he kept getting more and more angry. I could feel his frustration but I just couldn’t figure it out so my punishment was that I had to eat dog food. I remember explaining this encounter in the judges chamber during the divorce.
• I’ve always struggled with nail biting and when I was younger, I was particularly bad. My father used to cut my nails so short they would bleed…that way there wasn’t anything to bite. My fingertips would be sensitive for days.
• During the divorce my father developed this system where he would pay us 50 cents if we hugged him in public and $1 if we kissed him. I’m sure he used this in court by saying that we showed more affection to him than our mother.

There was a lot of things I witnessed, and the majority of the abuse was directed at my mother. I would really love to talk to my old guardian just so I can finally get the story straight. I’ve listened to a few of the deposition tapes but they mostly talk about things I already now, and for a divorce that took more than 2 years to finalize, I know there was more to everything.

My mom told me months ago that our guardian ad litem really loved us so I’m sure he’d love to hear how we’re all doing. Apparently we were one of his first cases as a practicing lawyer. I’m planning on emailing him by the end of the week – we’ll see where it leads. 

I know you’ve visited my blog 18 times this past month and I know all the unknown calls I’ve been getting have been from you. I also know that you’re probably mad at me and you don’t understand why I’m not talking to you….so please, just hear me out-

I’m really hurt by the way things panned out when I visited in December. It had been 4 years since I’d seen you, and for some crazy reason, I expected for you to be more excited about my surprise visit. And yes, I did expect you to make the 3-hour drive to Dallas to come pick me up, and yes, I do realize that would mean you would have to sacrifice some sleep. But I only expected it because that’s what parents do. I’ve made the 17-hour drive back to NY just to spend 8 hours with Josh - hell; I’d make the drive to spend 3 hours with him. You know why? Because when you love someone, you make sacrifices for them.

We both made some really low blows and I admit that I did cross the line a few times. I should have never spoken that way in front of Mema and Granddad – it was incredibly disrespectful and immature of me. But do you have any idea how exhausting it is to listen to you say the same thing, over and over again, year after year? You kept asking me what I said to Josh – clearly insinuating  that I was the reason he’s not talking to you….for the millionth time, he’s not talking to you because you put him up for adoption and he has a new family now. You betrayed him and he may never forgive you. I know you don’t want to hear it, but you have to accept the reality of the situation. I’ve come to terms with the fact that Josh and I will never have a close brother and sister relationship – I’m not happy about it, but there’s nothing I can do. I’m just trying to fit in wherever he will let me and you need to do the same. There have been times when Josh and I have had horrible conversations but no matter how shitty the phone call, I always end by telling him I’m not mad at him and I’m here if he ever needs me. There’s nothing you can say to him that will change the way he feels about you; he just has to come to terms with things on his own.

I’m not done talking to you forever – I’m just taking a hiatus. I don’t know how long it’ll be until we speak again, but when we do, I want to have a real conversation. I don’t want to talk about the mean names that my sister have been calling you, I don’t want to listen to you cry about how you’re our mother and we should “respect” you, and most of all – I don’t want you to try and justify your actions by saying it was “in the past.” What you did was a big deal and it’s something that can’t be forgiven. I’m never going to accept your apology but I can live with your mistakes. I’ve had faith in you longer than anyone else in our family and because of that, I’ve been let down more than anyone else. You made the decisions and you have to deal with the repercussions.

 I love you,

Rebeka

After my disappointing visit to Texas, I’m happy to say that my trip to New York was almost the exact opposite. Although Danielle and I had our arguments, we didn’t let it ruin our trip in the slightest. And in all reality - no matter how much we bicker, I still love her just the same. I was greeted by this text message when I landed in Atlanta: 

It was so wonderful to see you - regardless of the mishaps of the weekend - which btw have to land in the top 5 category for the most dysfunctional fights in our history :) and I promise to get out to Georgia very soon - we are all each other has and I know I can make a better effort to see you from here on out. I love you so much <3

Happy birthday my beautiful sister, I’m so glad I got to spend time with you <3

While playing Cosmic Bingo (which was a riot and a half), Danielle’s name was drawn and she had to compete in an activity on stage. Like a true Geer sister, she turned on her A-game and absolutely dominated - walking away $50 richer!

As for me, luck was clearly on my side! Out of the near 700 people in the massive bingo hall, I ended up winning one of the bigger prizes of the evening - $500!!! 

Introducing the not-so-little-anymore Sammy!!! This pup is absolutely adorable and a super cuddle bunny :)

After realizing I didn’t have to work for a week and stumbling upon a rather cheap flight to New York, I decided to make a quick dash up north before the spring semester! I called my sister’s (Danielle) boyfriend and I told him my sneaky little plan, and he told my sister that she had to pick up a buddy of his at the airport. Little did she know, it was me that was waiting for her :) 

We spent our evening catching up and playing with her pups. I’m here till Sunday evening and there are many more memories to be made <3

when you block your mother on your cellphone and on facebook because she chooses to spend only 20 minutes with you when you’re only in town for 2 days…and she hasn’t seen you in over 3 years. 

I saw you at mlc teary-eyed, but I did not want to bother you with a hug or even my presence .__. i hope you’re doing alright though

For the past few months, I’ve been trying to coordinate a trip to Texas. It’s been over three years since I’ve seen my grandparents, my mother, and my oldest sister, and since my Mema’s Alzheimer’s has been getting so bad recently, I figured now is as good a time as any to make the trip. My flight leaves on Friday right after my last final and I get back on Wednesday, the day before my winter Outback schedule begins.

My oldest sister (who lives in Dallas) will be picking me up at the airport at midnight on Friday, and then I will spend the entire weekend at her house. Since she doesn’t have any more vacation time left for this year, she won’t be visiting my grandparents with me (who live 3 hours away in Abilene, TX). So the plan was for my mother to pick me up, and then drive me back to Abilene for my surprise visit to see my grandparents….

But my mom has come up with every excuse in the book to not make the 3 hour drive to pick me up.

It’s been years since she had a job and about 4 days ago, she got a waitressing position at Denny’s – so that’s a big deal. I completely understand that she will have to work while I visit and I would never get upset at her for doing so (especially after I’ve been telling her to get a job for so long). What I didn’t expect is that she would use her job as an excuse to not see me:

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No matter how much time passes, it still doesn’t get any easier when I see my little brother posing in portraits with his “new” family. It’s hard to believe that its been a few years since the adoption was finalized and he changed his last name. I like to pretend that he’s still that Spongebob-loving 3rd grade boy I remember because every time I see how grownup he has become, all I can think about is how much of his life I have missed:

He looks so happy too… 

As if my 77 year-old granddad doesn’t have enough on his plate, he somehow squeezes some quality zumba time in each week, and I don’t know how he does it.

He works over 40 hours a week, takes care of my mema who has been diabetic for over 50 years and suffers from alzheimer’s, and supports my 49 year-old mother. I’ll give my mom credit though - she does help take care of my mema, but the emotional and financial stress that she causes my granddad is absolutely devastating. 

Him and my mema have been married for over 65 years and it breaks my heart that they don’t get to spend their elder years just enjoying being together. His days should be spent playing scrabble and putting together 5,000 piece puzzles with the woman he loves (my mema loves puzzles), and not running himself to the ground with no money to show for his relentless hard work. After listening to him tell me how busy he’s been lately, I broke down and started crying. “Now don’t go gettin’ all upset now Rebeka,” he said, “my dad worked for over 80 years so I got a few more years in me!” 

And that right there granddad is why I’ve taken out personal loans for school rather than letting you pay for whatever my scholarships don’t cover (as you’ve willingly told me you would do). It’s why I hate receiving any type of financial assistance from you because I feel unworthy of your hard-earned money. And whether you believe it or not, you’re one of the reasons I work so hard to make something of myself. You’ve helped raise my siblings and I, and you’ve never let me down - the least I can do is try my damnedest to make you proud. You’ll always be an inspiration to me and I love you more than you realize. 

high school graduation - the last time I saw my grandparents. 

Un-lofting a college dorm bed is incredibly difficult by yourself….

But doable.