I called to talk to Josh this afternoon and since he was outside playing, I spoke with his adoptive father for a few minutes. I’ve had my ups and downs with Josh’s adoptive parents, but I have to bite my tongue because they are the ultimate deciders in whether or not I can communicate with my brother (at least until he turns 18). Usually it isn’t an issue, but today his father mentioned a few things on the phone that really worried me and I had no idea how to handle the situation without coming off as threatening or condescending.

First, I asked if Josh had registered for the SAT yet. He’s a junior in high school so he should be taking it this summer, but no one has encouraged him to register. In fact, his father had mistakenly thought that Josh was just a sophomore (if you have so many adopted and foster children that you have to really think about how old each one is, then maybe you have too many children, no?). I passively stated how important it is that he takes the SAT soon if he wants to start applying for college, and his father replied “who knows what Josh will end up doing. He wants to be a cop right now but this phase could pass. A lot of my other children just take the SAT a few months before starting out at the community college where they get their associates degree – community colleges are super easy to please.” I’m not against community colleges at all, but I want Josh to feel like he has the option to tackle bigger and better universities. I want his family to inspire him to do great things, not just hope he squeezes by with the bare minimum.

I then found out that Josh gives a portion of his paycheck to his parents each week to help support the family. I had a tremendously hard time holding my tongue when I heard this. This is not the child’s responsibility and once again, if you aren’t making enough money to support your foster and adoptive children, then maybe you should stop agreeing to take more in. Josh has gone through enough – he doesn’t need to spend all of his free time working to support his new brothers and sisters.

I hate being in this position. I just want Josh to be given every possible chance to succeed and I know that may be a little unreasonable given our circumstances, but I’m his sister and this is my job. 

That’s what I have to constantly remind myself - but when he’s got 15 18 other siblings running through his house, it’s easy to think that he’s going to forget about the sister that lives over 1,000 miles away….

As always, I asked all the questions and he gave all the single syllable answers:

How’s school?

Good

When does baseball start?

Soon

Anything new been going on with you?

No

God, he’s such a boy – it kills me. He said he’s doing well though, so I can’t ask for much more than that. We also set up a time for me to call next Monday at 5:30 so he can hear how my interview with Coca-Cola goes.

Being in foster care wasn’t something that I used to flaunt around. In fact, I lied to tons of people when they asked who my foster parents were – my teachers, friends, pretty much anyone who asked. High school is hard enough on its own so just imagine how difficult it would be if everyone knew you were a foster child.

It’s important to note that it wasn’t my foster parents that I was ashamed of – it was my situation. I wasn’t proud that my mother had been placed in jail. I wasn’t proud that I had to live with strangers who knew nothing about me. My brother and I had no time at all to absorb what was happening so it was a lot easier for us to just pretend like we were on extended “vacation.”

In a nutshell, I did everything I could to make sure that no one knew about the struggles in my personal life.

When people asked what my parents did for a living, I made up occupations. If I had to go to a foster child convention, I’d say I was going out of town to visit relatives. People didn’t need to know about what I was going through and quite frankly; I was scared to death of how they would react if they found out.

My hard work paid off and my secret remained safe (for the most part). The people who did find out (mainly close friends and teachers) had enough respect and decency to know that this was information that shouldn’t be shared. And then my foster parents – of all people – posted this picture on Facebook:

Such a great picture too! It wasn’t enough to just post me in their “family” album; they went so far as to label the photo “foster daughter.”

It’s been almost 3 years since I moved on from everything but that doesn’t mean it’s not a touchy subject anymore. That secret that I worked so hard to keep safe is now being broadcast to the world.

Rebecca: When Jacket is older, she’ll value the respect you had for her privacy. 

I know you’ve visited my blog 18 times this past month and I know all the unknown calls I’ve been getting have been from you. I also know that you’re probably mad at me and you don’t understand why I’m not talking to you….so please, just hear me out-

I’m really hurt by the way things panned out when I visited in December. It had been 4 years since I’d seen you, and for some crazy reason, I expected for you to be more excited about my surprise visit. And yes, I did expect you to make the 3-hour drive to Dallas to come pick me up, and yes, I do realize that would mean you would have to sacrifice some sleep. But I only expected it because that’s what parents do. I’ve made the 17-hour drive back to NY just to spend 8 hours with Josh - hell; I’d make the drive to spend 3 hours with him. You know why? Because when you love someone, you make sacrifices for them.

We both made some really low blows and I admit that I did cross the line a few times. I should have never spoken that way in front of Mema and Granddad – it was incredibly disrespectful and immature of me. But do you have any idea how exhausting it is to listen to you say the same thing, over and over again, year after year? You kept asking me what I said to Josh – clearly insinuating  that I was the reason he’s not talking to you….for the millionth time, he’s not talking to you because you put him up for adoption and he has a new family now. You betrayed him and he may never forgive you. I know you don’t want to hear it, but you have to accept the reality of the situation. I’ve come to terms with the fact that Josh and I will never have a close brother and sister relationship – I’m not happy about it, but there’s nothing I can do. I’m just trying to fit in wherever he will let me and you need to do the same. There have been times when Josh and I have had horrible conversations but no matter how shitty the phone call, I always end by telling him I’m not mad at him and I’m here if he ever needs me. There’s nothing you can say to him that will change the way he feels about you; he just has to come to terms with things on his own.

I’m not done talking to you forever – I’m just taking a hiatus. I don’t know how long it’ll be until we speak again, but when we do, I want to have a real conversation. I don’t want to talk about the mean names that my sister have been calling you, I don’t want to listen to you cry about how you’re our mother and we should “respect” you, and most of all – I don’t want you to try and justify your actions by saying it was “in the past.” What you did was a big deal and it’s something that can’t be forgiven. I’m never going to accept your apology but I can live with your mistakes. I’ve had faith in you longer than anyone else in our family and because of that, I’ve been let down more than anyone else. You made the decisions and you have to deal with the repercussions.

 I love you,

Rebeka

I’ve been planning a CASA fundraiser luncheon for over a month and even though all the details are finalized, I’m still a bit nervous about how everything is going to turn out. I tend to have extraordinarily high expectations for things like this (which isn’t necessarily a bad thing), but I feel like I’m the only one that truly wants the event to be a success.

For instance, I stopped by the CASA office the other day to drop off the event tickets and what was one of the first questions they asked me? – “What if we don’t sell all of the tickets?” I know that’s an important concern to raise, but the way it was asked made me feel like they’re already planning to come up short. I just got so personally invested into this event and the last thing I want is for it to be a complete failure…

Here are the event details:

*We will also be raffling off over $200 in gift certificates for local restaurants!*

So Athenians, if you are interested in attending the CASA Sweetheart Luncheon on February 4^th, please contact me at rebeka.geer@gmail.com 

when you block your mother on your cellphone and on facebook because she chooses to spend only 20 minutes with you when you’re only in town for 2 days…and she hasn’t seen you in over 3 years. 

For the past few months, I’ve been trying to coordinate a trip to Texas. It’s been over three years since I’ve seen my grandparents, my mother, and my oldest sister, and since my Mema’s Alzheimer’s has been getting so bad recently, I figured now is as good a time as any to make the trip. My flight leaves on Friday right after my last final and I get back on Wednesday, the day before my winter Outback schedule begins.

My oldest sister (who lives in Dallas) will be picking me up at the airport at midnight on Friday, and then I will spend the entire weekend at her house. Since she doesn’t have any more vacation time left for this year, she won’t be visiting my grandparents with me (who live 3 hours away in Abilene, TX). So the plan was for my mother to pick me up, and then drive me back to Abilene for my surprise visit to see my grandparents….

But my mom has come up with every excuse in the book to not make the 3 hour drive to pick me up.

It’s been years since she had a job and about 4 days ago, she got a waitressing position at Denny’s – so that’s a big deal. I completely understand that she will have to work while I visit and I would never get upset at her for doing so (especially after I’ve been telling her to get a job for so long). What I didn’t expect is that she would use her job as an excuse to not see me:

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No matter how much time passes, it still doesn’t get any easier when I see my little brother posing in portraits with his “new” family. It’s hard to believe that its been a few years since the adoption was finalized and he changed his last name. I like to pretend that he’s still that Spongebob-loving 3rd grade boy I remember because every time I see how grownup he has become, all I can think about is how much of his life I have missed:

He looks so happy too…