In my journalism class today, we watched a video news story that follows the life of a Kentucky mother as she struggles through drug court. The woman is a mother of five who battles a pill addiction, and eventually loses her children and is sent to jail. While my classmates viewed her story in disbelief – asking themselves how such a story could possibly be true – all I could think about was how perfectly her story mirrored my own family’s story.

My entire class saw my secret…without even knowing it. 

She got a new job working at IHOP and Olive Garden, and she seems to be doing well. We were tip-toeing through conversation topics – just asking the basic “how’s work/life/school?” questions, and then I asked her if she understood why I haven’t called her in so long. She apologized and I forgave her because that’s what I do, but I’m definitely taking baby steps with our relationship this time around.

Here’s what I learned: It’s not bad to have hope in people – it’s bad when you hope for too much. I didn’t have realistic expectations when I went to Texas to visit everyone and I ended up getting hurt…lesson learned

I ended up leasing with WestMar Student Lofts because they were (by far) the cheapest place to lease in Atlanta. (I looked at student housing and it was ridiculous! If I wanted to live in Emory’s intern housing it would’ve been $27/day!) Now that I’ve figured out where I will be living, the internship feels so much more real! In a little over a month, I’ll be working at the Happiness Factory! Ahh!!

On a more serious note, I got a phone call from my mom last night. I didn’t answer, but she did leave a voicemail to congratulate me and say that she was proud. It was nice to hear her voice and it sounded like she was doing well. I’m considering calling her back this week – it’s amazing how a family bond can trump all logical reasoning…I have no reason to call her, but every desire to do so. 

I guess that’s life, right?

Out of all my siblings, I have always been the one with the closest bond to my mother. I’ve done my best to stand by her side and offer words of encouragement, but as I’ve gotten older, I’ve had to take my own well-being into consideration. Long before our current struggles even became an issue, there was one incident that forever changed the way I viewed my mother as a parent.

I was in fifth grade and I had been on restriction for many weeks. My class was taking a field trip to a local ice skating rink and going sledding and I wanted desperately to go, but per Stan’s rules, I wasn’t allowed to participate in any extra-curricular activities because I was on restriction. I begged my mom to sign the permission slip and I promised if she let me go on the trip, Stan would never find out. After days of persuading, she finally gave me permission and signed the form and we began discussing how we could make our plan work without Stan knowing.

It had to be elaborate because if it wasn’t, Stan would surely find out. Every detail was planned and when the day finally came, we were both ready. I purposefully missed the bus and then came home to ask my mom for a ride and she just so happened to have an early “doctor’s appointment” so she was already up. My mom then drove me to school and popped the trunk so I could get my snow clothes – we had put my snow things in the car days prior just to make sure Stan didn’t get suspicious. I got my things, said goodbye and thank you, and had the time of my life on the field trip.

When my mom picked me up from the afterschool program later that evening, I excitedly explained how awesome the field trip was. She smiled and told me to make sure my father didn’t find out (we called Stan “Dad”) and loaded all my snow clothes in the car. I had never been so happy to deceive someone in my life – I had gotten away with it.

A few days passed and everything seemed to be going normal. One evening, after Stan finished eating dinner, he took his usual seat in the living room and began reading the newspaper. My siblings and I were still finishing our food when he looked over and nonchalantly asked, “Did you go on that ice skating field trip?”

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I know you’ve visited my blog 18 times this past month and I know all the unknown calls I’ve been getting have been from you. I also know that you’re probably mad at me and you don’t understand why I’m not talking to you….so please, just hear me out-

I’m really hurt by the way things panned out when I visited in December. It had been 4 years since I’d seen you, and for some crazy reason, I expected for you to be more excited about my surprise visit. And yes, I did expect you to make the 3-hour drive to Dallas to come pick me up, and yes, I do realize that would mean you would have to sacrifice some sleep. But I only expected it because that’s what parents do. I’ve made the 17-hour drive back to NY just to spend 8 hours with Josh - hell; I’d make the drive to spend 3 hours with him. You know why? Because when you love someone, you make sacrifices for them.

We both made some really low blows and I admit that I did cross the line a few times. I should have never spoken that way in front of Mema and Granddad – it was incredibly disrespectful and immature of me. But do you have any idea how exhausting it is to listen to you say the same thing, over and over again, year after year? You kept asking me what I said to Josh – clearly insinuating  that I was the reason he’s not talking to you….for the millionth time, he’s not talking to you because you put him up for adoption and he has a new family now. You betrayed him and he may never forgive you. I know you don’t want to hear it, but you have to accept the reality of the situation. I’ve come to terms with the fact that Josh and I will never have a close brother and sister relationship – I’m not happy about it, but there’s nothing I can do. I’m just trying to fit in wherever he will let me and you need to do the same. There have been times when Josh and I have had horrible conversations but no matter how shitty the phone call, I always end by telling him I’m not mad at him and I’m here if he ever needs me. There’s nothing you can say to him that will change the way he feels about you; he just has to come to terms with things on his own.

I’m not done talking to you forever – I’m just taking a hiatus. I don’t know how long it’ll be until we speak again, but when we do, I want to have a real conversation. I don’t want to talk about the mean names that my sister have been calling you, I don’t want to listen to you cry about how you’re our mother and we should “respect” you, and most of all – I don’t want you to try and justify your actions by saying it was “in the past.” What you did was a big deal and it’s something that can’t be forgiven. I’m never going to accept your apology but I can live with your mistakes. I’ve had faith in you longer than anyone else in our family and because of that, I’ve been let down more than anyone else. You made the decisions and you have to deal with the repercussions.

 I love you,

Rebeka

For the past few months, I’ve been trying to coordinate a trip to Texas. It’s been over three years since I’ve seen my grandparents, my mother, and my oldest sister, and since my Mema’s Alzheimer’s has been getting so bad recently, I figured now is as good a time as any to make the trip. My flight leaves on Friday right after my last final and I get back on Wednesday, the day before my winter Outback schedule begins.

My oldest sister (who lives in Dallas) will be picking me up at the airport at midnight on Friday, and then I will spend the entire weekend at her house. Since she doesn’t have any more vacation time left for this year, she won’t be visiting my grandparents with me (who live 3 hours away in Abilene, TX). So the plan was for my mother to pick me up, and then drive me back to Abilene for my surprise visit to see my grandparents….

But my mom has come up with every excuse in the book to not make the 3 hour drive to pick me up.

It’s been years since she had a job and about 4 days ago, she got a waitressing position at Denny’s – so that’s a big deal. I completely understand that she will have to work while I visit and I would never get upset at her for doing so (especially after I’ve been telling her to get a job for so long). What I didn’t expect is that she would use her job as an excuse to not see me:

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As if my 77 year-old granddad doesn’t have enough on his plate, he somehow squeezes some quality zumba time in each week, and I don’t know how he does it.

He works over 40 hours a week, takes care of my mema who has been diabetic for over 50 years and suffers from alzheimer’s, and supports my 49 year-old mother. I’ll give my mom credit though - she does help take care of my mema, but the emotional and financial stress that she causes my granddad is absolutely devastating. 

Him and my mema have been married for over 65 years and it breaks my heart that they don’t get to spend their elder years just enjoying being together. His days should be spent playing scrabble and putting together 5,000 piece puzzles with the woman he loves (my mema loves puzzles), and not running himself to the ground with no money to show for his relentless hard work. After listening to him tell me how busy he’s been lately, I broke down and started crying. “Now don’t go gettin’ all upset now Rebeka,” he said, “my dad worked for over 80 years so I got a few more years in me!” 

And that right there granddad is why I’ve taken out personal loans for school rather than letting you pay for whatever my scholarships don’t cover (as you’ve willingly told me you would do). It’s why I hate receiving any type of financial assistance from you because I feel unworthy of your hard-earned money. And whether you believe it or not, you’re one of the reasons I work so hard to make something of myself. You’ve helped raise my siblings and I, and you’ve never let me down - the least I can do is try my damnedest to make you proud. You’ll always be an inspiration to me and I love you more than you realize. 

high school graduation - the last time I saw my grandparents. 

or maybe I’m just human.

Mom, every time we talk on the phone, I’m not going to be in a good mood. School stresses me out, work stresses me out, and you calling and having a phone conversation like this stresses me out too:

Mom: Have you talked to your brother?

Me: No, I lost my phone so I need everyone’s numbers again

Mom: Have you talked to your sister?

Me: Not since her trip to Florida.

Mom: How was her trip?

Me: I haven’t talked to her mom, I don’t know.

Mom: why are you being so rude?

Me: Mom, I’m not being rude. I just hate it when you randomly decide to call me and then proceed to act like you care how I’m doing. 

Mom: You know, let me tell you something. You only get one mom, and I know I’ve made my mistakes….

Every phone call. Every time. 

I can’t believe I found it….

“Take this card and put it someplace special so that every time you look at it you realize just how special you are and just how much you mean to me.” From the time my mom slipped that little plastic card into the pocket of my coat on Valentine’s Day of seventh grade, I have always found the strength to believe in myself, regardless of the circumstances. That innocent yet thoughtful gift of a mother’s love has shaped me into the person I am today and has given me the motivation to embrace whatever life holds for me.

At the end of eighth grade when I was placed into foster care, that card was packed amongst my belongings and then pinned up in the closet of my new home. That way, every morning when I woke up and had the slightest feeling of self-pity, that card was my daily reminder that today wasn’t the day for giving up. As those twelve months in foster care dragged on, that simple piece of plastic helped me stay optimistic and keep my dreams within reach.

After I returned home from foster care, my mother’s battle with alcoholism continued. Since she was no longer able to care for me, I was once again removed from her home and placed into the care of family friends. Since the start of high school, I have lived with five different families and each move has been because of circumstances that I had no control over. Regardless, these hardships have made me stronger, motivated me to work harder, and prepared me for the responsibilities of the real world.

With my mother’s addiction constantly looming in the back of my mind, I have developed a skill for detaching my personal life from the persona that I maintain. I do this because I don’t want to be judged and pitied for where I have come from, but rather to be envied for my achievements. Also, by being exposed to so much at such a young age, I am able to connect with a variety of different people on many levels, and I am not fearful of taking on leadership roles. As an independent young woman, I have learned the skills needed for the transition into adulthood. By already being prepared for life on my own, I will be able to devote more time to a variety of campus activities, as well as become engaged in the community at large.

A Valentine’s Day card may not seem like a gift that a child would treasure, but for me it has become more than just words of inspiration. It became a constant reminder of my mother’s love and it has given me the initiative to stay motivated. At times, I have felt that life has been unfair to me, but when I see all the adversities I have overcome, it is apparent that each challenge has given me strength. With an open mind seeking experience and my mother’s love nestled safely in my pocket, I feel confident beginning the next stage of my life.

I asked God to take away my habit.

God said, no.

It is not for me to take away, but for you to give up. (read more…)

Beka Boop,

It’s July, can you believe it!? Monday I will have been here 100 days. Sweetie, I am truly sorry for the delay in writing you back. I wrote many letters but I couldn’t mail them. Mom was a little frustrated with you ditching me the first 90+ days I was here in jail by not writing me. I know we would talk on the phone, but that’s not the same as getting mail. Mail is the highlight of my day…

Lets forget about the nonsense and how about you fill me in about you love bug. I only live in the present in here, but if you really think about it though, time flies by out there and I’m sure people are already mentioning Christmas. When you’re in here, the holiday’s are just another day. Same food, nothing special…no decorations…it’s jail. We’ll get through it though like we always do, we’re strong. By now we should qualify for the “incredible hulk family” don’t cha think? Hun we have to be strong for each other. Even though we are not together, we are still one through our spirit and our love for one another. Remember, a mother’s love is always there no matter what…

Have you talked to your grandparents? How is Mindy (my older sister)? Would you give her my address. Let her know about the book situation. I did find out that I can have used books sent also, but the books have to come from a bookstore. They have to be paperback and I like thick books …

I am thankful you are working as it will keep you busy. Summer will be gone before you know it. Are you going to TX? You know I’d love a postcard. Well keep the mail coming and keep smiling beautiful.

Love you XOXOXO,

Mom

May 9, 2007

Beka Boop,

I love you and miss you and you will be okay. We’ll just become pen pals over the next 10 months and get to know each other again. How does that sound? Hun, you know Mom, when I make a mess it’s not just a little mess it’s a huge mess. While I am here I am going to try and figure out why I do those things since I have some time on my hands. Sweet Pea, it’s not all that bad in here, it’s what you make of it. Look, I even made you your own designer stationary, whatcha think? Hey, you know me, no one will ever take my humor, laughter or silliness away especially this place……

…….You know, God doesn’t give us more than we can handle so I guess he thinks we can do this, which we can. We’ll look back one day I hope and see the purpose and meaning behind it all. Sounds crazy, I know, but there’s got to be some logic in there somewhere. Honey, I want you to know that I am proud of you and I want you to just worry about you and not about me as i will be okay. I know deep down inside that huge heart of yours you believe that I will pull through each and every obstacle I have encountered in life, and this situation is no different……..

……..I have always thought that time flew by so I think to myself, ” why should I view being in here any differently from being out there?” This thought makes me feel a little more at ease. The only difference is the circumstances I have to endure which are my doings and my responsibility. Bottom Line, we will survive like we always do, we’re tough. It’s okay for you and I to worry about one another and Josh while we’re walking through this mess. Keep your head held high and keep praying. Honey I love you with all my heart and you take care of you and that will make your mom the proudest mom in the world. 

Hugs and Kisses

Sweetdreams xoxo,

Mom