I know you’ve visited my blog 18 times this past month and I know all the unknown calls I’ve been getting have been from you. I also know that you’re probably mad at me and you don’t understand why I’m not talking to you….so please, just hear me out-

I’m really hurt by the way things panned out when I visited in December. It had been 4 years since I’d seen you, and for some crazy reason, I expected for you to be more excited about my surprise visit. And yes, I did expect you to make the 3-hour drive to Dallas to come pick me up, and yes, I do realize that would mean you would have to sacrifice some sleep. But I only expected it because that’s what parents do. I’ve made the 17-hour drive back to NY just to spend 8 hours with Josh - hell; I’d make the drive to spend 3 hours with him. You know why? Because when you love someone, you make sacrifices for them.

We both made some really low blows and I admit that I did cross the line a few times. I should have never spoken that way in front of Mema and Granddad – it was incredibly disrespectful and immature of me. But do you have any idea how exhausting it is to listen to you say the same thing, over and over again, year after year? You kept asking me what I said to Josh – clearly insinuating  that I was the reason he’s not talking to you….for the millionth time, he’s not talking to you because you put him up for adoption and he has a new family now. You betrayed him and he may never forgive you. I know you don’t want to hear it, but you have to accept the reality of the situation. I’ve come to terms with the fact that Josh and I will never have a close brother and sister relationship – I’m not happy about it, but there’s nothing I can do. I’m just trying to fit in wherever he will let me and you need to do the same. There have been times when Josh and I have had horrible conversations but no matter how shitty the phone call, I always end by telling him I’m not mad at him and I’m here if he ever needs me. There’s nothing you can say to him that will change the way he feels about you; he just has to come to terms with things on his own.

I’m not done talking to you forever – I’m just taking a hiatus. I don’t know how long it’ll be until we speak again, but when we do, I want to have a real conversation. I don’t want to talk about the mean names that my sister have been calling you, I don’t want to listen to you cry about how you’re our mother and we should “respect” you, and most of all – I don’t want you to try and justify your actions by saying it was “in the past.” What you did was a big deal and it’s something that can’t be forgiven. I’m never going to accept your apology but I can live with your mistakes. I’ve had faith in you longer than anyone else in our family and because of that, I’ve been let down more than anyone else. You made the decisions and you have to deal with the repercussions.

 I love you,

Rebeka